The Literati Page 2
Anyway, your sister’s back; I hope she’s not still upset.
But please don’t worry, I’ll do my best one way or another
To bring out her better angel and hope she’ll persuade your mother.
SCENE FOUR
CLINTON, AMANDA.
CLINTON:
Please let me say some things a man in love needs to say,
So that in these happy days when my heart is filled with awe,
You might graciously make an attempt to see things my way …
AMANDA:
That was quite a performance that you put on before,
Pretending not to be in the ranks of my devotees.
But you’re right to hide your love for me; just let it hunger in silence,
Though I can tell even now, that you’ve gone all weak at the knees.
He goes to speak.
To try and put it in words is a form of linguistic violence.
Love me, sigh for me, burn for my dangerous touch,
But I have no space in my life for your hot infatuation,
So don’t permit your lips ever to name it as such,
Instead, you must confine your love to mute adoration.
CLINTON:
Amanda, there’s no cause at all for concern of any fashion;
I meant it when I said that Jules is the love of my life,
And I come to you to beg you to show a little compassion
And to second my proposal to make your sister my wife.
AMANDA:
Oh, this has got to be the most roundabout form of semantics,
So subtle is your pretence, that it deserves the highest praise;
One reads in novels the amazing deception employed by romantics,
But yours is surely the boldest and most ingenious of displays.
CLINTON:
Actually, no it isn’t. What I’m saying is not fabrication,
It’s a completely accurate statement of what’s here in my soul.
Destiny has decided, with unshakeable determination
To attach me to beautiful Juliet; and that is my only goal.
Jules holds my heart in the grip of her perfection
And getting married to her is the best thing I’ll ever do.
Now, you carry great influence to nudge things in that direction,
And you could advance all my wishes if only you’d agree to.
AMANDA:
I can see very clearly where your little request is leading;
I get it: you’ve switched our names so as to live a fantasy life;
It’s a very clever device, but has little hope of succeeding:
You want to marry her, but in your head, I’m your wife.
CLINTON:
That is so warped! What’s the point of all this confusion?
You’re inventing a situation that simply will never arise!
AMANDA:
My God! I’m inventing?! It’s you who’s under an illusion!
You say you don’t love me, yet you look at me with bedroom eyes!
So let me see if I understand the rules of your little fiction:
Under this subtle scheme, though it’s Juliet you claim to love,
You resolve your secret ecstasy by a convenient contradiction:
That whenever you make love to her, it’s me you are thinking of.
CLINTON:
What?
AMANDA:
Goodbye.
CLINTON:
You’re insane.
AMANDA:
Don’t you push me, Jacko!
My customary modesty will not tolerate anything uncivil!
CLINTON:
I’ll be damned if I love you! You are so totally whacko!
AMANDA:
No, no, I’ve heard quite enough of your nonsensical drivel.
CLINTON:
What the hell did I see in her? How unbelievably twisted!
And how can such a monster to sweet Juliet be sistered?
We have to turn this negative into a definite plus
By seeking the help of someone wise, who genuinely cares about us.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
VADIUS, CLINTON.
CLINTON:
Who better than a true scholar to push our worthy cause?
Doctor Athénaïs Vadius, in black, with calm voice and manner;
An old friend of Juliet’s father, there’s nobody better than her:
She’s a respected learnèd woman, in letters and scientific laws.
VADIUS:
Yes, yes, my dear Clinton, of course I will plead your case;
Go now; I’ll start with her father, and inform you of his reply.
CLINTON goes.
A young lover in a hurry cannot, on his own words, rely,
So he needs a voice to put his thoughts at a less urgent pace.
SCENE TWO
CHRISTOPHER, VADIUS.
VADIUS:
I trust you are well, Christopher?
CHRISTOPHER:
Yes, Athénaïs, and you?
VADIUS:
Yes, yes, I have no complaints; you do know why I’m here?
CHRISTOPHER:
Not yet, but in your own time, I’m sure you’ll make that clear.
Drink?
VADIUS:
No, thanks, I’m fine. I wasn’t sure if you knew
About the young Clinton—you’ve known him for a while?
CHRISTOPHER:
Indeed I certainly have; he comes here quite a lot in fact.
VADIUS:
And do you like him?
CHRISTOPHER:
Yes, I do. He has a certain grace and tact,
Keen spirits, a good heart, and he shows a bit of style.
To be honest, you don’t see many people as deserving as he.
VADIUS:
Well, it’s a specific request of his that brings me here today,
So I am very glad to hear all the encouraging things you say.
CHRISTOPHER:
I got to know his late father when I was in Rome, you see.
VADIUS:
All the better.
CHRISTOPHER:
A wonderful friend, and a fine gentleman too.
VADIUS:
I’m glad to hear it.
CHRISTOPHER:
Both of us were about twenty-eight or so;
We were green about the gills, and yet quite dashing, you know.
We scored a hit with the beautiful Roman women.
VADIUS:
I believe you.
CHRISTOPHER:
Yes, our famous escapades were all the talk of the town.
The Italians were quite envious.
VADIUS:
Well, they’re a jealous mob, no doubt.
But let’s return to the subject that we’d begun to chat about.
SCENE THREE
CHRISTOPHER, VADIUS, AMANDA.
AMANDA appears, eavesdropping.
VADIUS:
Clinton has made me his advocate to give you the lowdown.
His heart is greatly taken by your graceful Juliet.
CHRISTOPHER:
Really? My daughter?
VADIUS:
Yes, he seems to have their whole lives plotted,
And I have to say I have never seen a young man so besotted.
AMANDA:
No, no—I couldn’t help overhearing—and I think you mustn’t get
The story completely wrong; the truth is otherwise, you’ll find.
CHRISTOPHER:
In what way, my dear?
AMANDA:
Clinton has you both misled;
The object of his desires is someone other than what he said.
VADIUS:
Is this a joke? You say it’s not Juliet he has in mind?
AMANDA:
No, I assure you, it’s not.
VADIUS:
But he told me s
o face to face.
AMANDA:
Ah, yes!
VADIUS:
You see me here because he sought my intervention
To express to her father his very passionate intention.
AMANDA:
Well of course.
VADIUS:
He expressly asked me to plead his ardent case
For the earliest possible wedding.
AMANDA:
What a romantic conception;
I have to say this story just seems to get better and better,
Seeking permission to marry, and going so far as to set a
Date, when ‘Juliet’ is a codename for a cheeky deception.
It’s a little game he plays, a veil, a pretext, a front
To cover up his true desires by adorning them in mystery.
I have bounteous experience of this, in my own personal history,
So I can enlighten both of you as to the nature of this little stunt.
CHRISTOPHER:
Well, if you have so much knowledge of this curious affair,
Perhaps you wouldn’t mind saying who this other woman might be?
AMANDA:
I thought you’d never ask.
CHRISTOPHER:
So who?
AMANDA:
Me!
VADIUS:
You?
AMANDA:
Me!
CHRISTOPHER:
Well!
AMANDA:
What do you mean, ‘Well’?
CHRISTOPHER:
[With a laugh] You’re kidding, right? LOL!
AMANDA:
Why is it so surprising? You know how men look at me.
I resist them all, of course, as my mind’s in a higher orbit,
But I’m blessed with such an aura or, should I say, a power,
That men, like honey bees, build their dreams around my flower.
CHRISTOPHER:
Men? What men?
AMANDA:
Oh, Lycidas, Joshua, Sebastian and Norbert.
VADIUS:
What, all at once?
AMANDA:
Ah, yes! They love me with all their might.
CHRISTOPHER:
They have told you this?
AMANDA:
No, they’d not dare express it as such,
As, to this very day, they have respected me far too much,
And none is sufficiently literate to get all the syntax right,
So they offer me their hearts in a kind of silent coma,
Which I find far more enchanting, having an element of grace.
CHRISTOPHER:
Well, we hardly ever see Lycidas hanging about the place.
AMANDA:
Yes, he’s not so much a presence as a kind of distant aroma.
CHRISTOPHER:
And Joshua says you’re a monster!
AMANDA:
Only out of jealous affection.
CHRISTOPHER:
And Sebastian and Norbert?
VADIUS:
I was speaking to a colleague’s mother
Who told me Sebastian and Norbert had recently married each other.
AMANDA:
A somewhat desperate response to my cool and unwavering rejection.
VADIUS:
Goodness me, my dear Amanda, I’d say you’re suffering from visions.
CHRISTOPHER:
I think the word is ‘chimeras’—and you really should expel them.
AMANDA:
Chimeras, moi? My poor lovers! I’ll nimbly rush to tell them
They’re chimeras and whimsical whimeras, all of them mere apparitions!
SCENE FOUR
CHRISTOPHER, VADIUS.
CHRISTOPHER:
My daughter’s mad.
VADIUS:
Yes. There’s enough there for a convention.
CHRISTOPHER:
It gets worse every day. Sorry about that little distraction.
VADIUS:
As I was saying, Clinton has expressed his great attraction
To Juliet, and to marry her is clearly his intention.
What answer should I give him in response to his request?
CHRISTOPHER:
Does he even need to ask? I consent with all my heart,
In fact I would be honoured; I liked him right from the start.
VADIUS:
You do know he has no money—
CHRISTOPHER:
In that, I have no interest.
He is rich in virtue, which to me is better than pure gold,
And his father and I were inseparable, as alike as two peas.
VADIUS:
Well, let’s consult Philomena, to make sure that she agrees.
CHRISTOPHER:
No need to. Just tell Clinton that I welcome him to the fold.
VADIUS:
Yes, but for the sake of harmony, should we not have your wife’s consent?
CHRISTOPHER:
Don’t be silly; as I said it’s unnecessary what you propose,
Because I speak for my wife, and so what I say goes.
VADIUS:
But—
CHRISTOPHER:
Leave it to me; don’t worry! She’ll agree a hundred percent.
When a daughter wishes to marry, her father receives a boost,
Because it provides an opportunity to show who rules the roost;
My authority in this family is as solid as a proverbial rock;
The hen doesn’t decide this matter; this is a job for the cock.
SCENE FIVE
PHILOMENA, CHRISTOPHER.
PHILOMENA:
You!? Choose a husband!? Ha! Are there any more bombshells to drop?
CHRISTOPHER:
No. And there’s nothing to fight about. The subject’s closed—
He goes to leave.
PHILOMENA:
Stop!
The subject is wide open, buster, like a half-gutted mackerel. So:
Number one, it’s Amanda’s turn, as you should very well know;
She is our elder daughter! And she should be first to marry;
Number two, Juliet won’t be wed to some Tom, Dick or Harry.
CHRISTOPHER:
Number one, our elder daughter has a definite distaste for marriage.
She’s a perversely celibate philosopher whom I don’t like to disparage,
But, though we’ve raised her as best we can, and done a very good job,
Despite our sincere efforts, she’s an astronomical snob.
And number two, our younger daughter has her heart firmly set
On a very particular husband—
PHILOMENA:
I have a husband for Juliet.
CHRISTOPHER:
What?
PHILOMENA:
It’s Tristan Tosser.
CHRISTOPHER:
Tristan Tosser? But the man’s a fraud!
PHILOMENA:
The mere fact that this honourable man has failed to strike a chord
By clawing his way into your esteem, is of no consequence at all:
He is a writer.
CHRISTOPHER:
A third-rate poet!
PHILOMENA:
Hush!
CHRISTOPHER:
Look, I don’t want a brawl.
PHILOMENA:
There won’t be a brawl, because there won’t be further discussion.
My mind is made up!
CHRISTOPHER:
But you must be suffering from concussion!
PHILOMENA:
I am a far better judge than you of whether a man has worth;
If it were left to you, there’d be mismatches crashing all over the earth.
Now: it is quite superfluous to suffer your ludicrous views,
And don’t say a word to Juliet; I want to give her the news.
So I will talk to her first, before you fill her head with pollution.
I’ll make he
r listen to reason so she’ll accept my resolution.
And if you interfere and warn her, I will easily be able to tell;
Your intercession in family affairs leaves a very noxious smell.
SCENE SIX
CHRISTOPHER, MARTINA.
MARTINA:
Jeez, just my rotten luck! It’s always me that’s to blame!
If ya want to hang a good dog, first ya give it a bad name.
It’s a mug’s game being a domestic; ya get bugger all out if it.
CHRISTOPHER:
What? Martina? What’s the matter?
MARTINA:
Ya just get treated like shit.
CHRISTOPHER:
Eh?
MARTINA:
I’ve been given me notice.
CHRISTOPHER:
Your notice!?
MARTINA:
Missus gave me the sack.
CHRISTOPHER:
What? I know nothing of this!
MARTINA:
She said get out and never come back.
She threatened me that if I didn’t piss off, she’d kick the crap out of me.
CHRISTOPHER:
No, no, I’m not having any of that. You do your job perfectly.
Sometimes my wife can tend to be a little, you know, hot-headed.
MARTINA:
Oh, man, she’s gone, like, AWOL.
CHRISTOPHER:
She can be bit flighty.
MARTINA:
You said it.
I wanted to give her this letter. It’s, um, from some big-shot lawyer.
I s’pose I can give it to you, since she’s, like, no longer my employer.
SCENE SEVEN
PHILOMENA, MARTINA, CHRISTOPHER, AMANDA.
PHILOMENA:
What? Do my eyes deceive me or are you still here, you guttersnipe?
You’re as common as muck! Get out! We just don’t want your type!
CHRISTOPHER:
She has a letter for you, and perhaps one you oughtn’t—
PHILOMENA rips up the letter and throws it away.
—Ignore…
PHILOMENA:
[To MARTINA] Now get out and stay out!
CHRISTOPHER:
[Re the letter] I hope that wasn’t important.
PHILOMENA:
And never come anywhere near me! Go on! Get out of my sight!
CHRISTOPHER:
Now just calm down.
PHILOMENA:
No, it’s done!
CHRISTOPHER:
Look—
PHILOMENA:
I want her gone, right?
CHRISTOPHER:
But what has she done wrong to merit being treated this way?
PHILOMENA:
What, you mean you support her?
CHRISTOPHER:
I merely ask why she can’t stay?
PHILOMENA:
So you take her side against me?
CHRISTOPHER:
Heavens, no! But tell me her crime!
PHILOMENA:
Do you think I would dismiss her with no reason or rhyme?